Becoming a Spectre
by SharilinAlenko
Summary: Major Kaidan Alenko is going to become the Second Human Spectre. This is the story of the day of his official ceremony, a day full of emotions and pain for Alenko and Shepard, because of the loss of their love...
1. Chapter 1

Inhale…

Exhale…

Inhale…

Exhale…

The peaceful view of the Presidium outside of this hospital room isn't enough to calm down his anxiety for what's going to happen later on today.

Yes, Major Kaidan Alenko is terrified of the idea in becoming a Spectre, the Second Human Spectre. He's standing there, only in his boxers and holding his dogtags tight in his hand, breathing slowly, and trying to calm his trembling while looking outside the window…

How is this possible? He was just a humble boy from Vancouver… How did he end up becoming a Major first and now the Second Human Spectre?

It was all thanks to HER…

He was always an introvert and solitary man, never wanting to use his biotics, specially in the battlefield because he was scared to do something wrong… But since the beginning she encouraged him to excel in what he could do… And he did.

And now there he is, following her example… An example so hard to emulate!

Commander Shepard, the first woman – the youngest soldier who became an N7 operative, the survivor of Akuze, the Savior of the Citadel, and the First Human Spectre… How could he even think about being like her? He can't…

All he always wanted was to serve and to serve with her… He was so proud of being part of her crew. Being next to her and helping her meant everything to him… Even now he would do anything for a chance to go back to the Normandy to be by her side. All his titles don't matter to him; she will always be his Commander.

But the situation between the two of them is totally a mess… and it was his fault…

A faint beep from his omni-tool warns him that is time to get ready.

'I have to dress up…', he thinks. While looking down at his undergarment 'By the way… Why the hell doesn't this hospital have gowns for their patients?'. He remembers so well that awkward feeling he had when he woke up from his coma barely naked. All those people that came to visit him saw his bare chest; moreover, he was full of bruises and wounds! And… Damn… the times Shepard was here… he almost died of embarrassment!

'Shepard…', his heartbeat races in his chest thinking about her. Udina told him, very peeved, that the Council ordered her to attend to the ceremony. 'She will be there for me… Oh God…'

The times she came to visit him they've talked a little about Horizon, about Mars, and she reassured him they were good… But 'good' isn't good enough for him. Even if he doubted her all those times he never ever stopped being madly in love with her. He wants HER, in every way that means.

'I have to do something. I need her so badly…'

All his muscles in his body tense up.

Inhale…

Exhale…

Inhale…

Exhale…


	2. Chapter 2

_It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel._

_Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file._

_Spectres are an ideal, a symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will._

_Spectres bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold._

_You are the Second Human Spectre, Major Alenko. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species, as it was for your predecessor, the Commander Shepard._

* * *

Thankfully the ceremony was quite short, as much as it was hers, almost three years ago.

_'The Major Kaidan Alenko just became a Spectre just like you, Shepard.'_

She's waiting at the beginning of the footbridge, so she couldn't see his expression while the Councilors had their celebration speech, but she was able to admire him from behind. The warm and dim lights of the Citadel Tower pleasantly hit his salt and pepper hair making it almost glow, while his sculptured body suit that blue navy dress uniform, perfectly.

Her heart is racing in her chest because it's time for her to face him. The only man she had ever loved and loves in her life and who is now merely a stranger to her.

_'Now you've to greet him officially. You're here only because of this, Shepard. Remember, this is just business!'_

She takes a deep breath and begins to walk towards him gradually while he's turning his back on her. She's moving awfully slow, feeling all her body terribly tense and consumed by anxiety. She doesn't want to be there, it hurts too much.

Every time she sees him it's like a punch in her stomach, because it's a reminder of what she had and she will never get back: his love, his caring and support, HIM… Ever since she knew him, he was the only thing she desperately longed for and now without him she's completely lost.

She carries on her motions; her posture is haughty as her rank requires her to be, but suddenly she meets his gaze and all her world goes upside down. She almost trips from the emotion, totally ravished by those amazing caramel colored eyes staring at her.

_'Keep walking Shepard. Luckily he didn't notice your damn brief moment of weakness, but let's not repeat it. Be professional as you usually are. Remember, this is only business Shepard!'_

Somehow she manages to focus her attention somewhere else, trying to inhale deeply just to relax. The footbridge seems to be endless and she feels that his sight is burning her.

_'Come on Shepard, it's all right. You're almost there. Calm down.'_

She finally arrives in front of the new Spectre who immediately gives her the salute gesture. She responds to him while avoiding eye-to-eye contact again and they stay still.

After a while, they both lower their arms and unexpectedly he holds out his hand to her. Caught by surprise, she raises her head and there – again those intense brown eyes ready to hypnotize her.

She forces back the tears and carefully grasps his hand.

_'Shepard, it's just business.'_

When their skins get in contact, she's invaded by a strong sensation; like thousand sparkles of electricity flowing through her body making her heartbeat fast, her stomach to flutter and sending chills down her spine. Her biotics stir with his, as they used to do a long time ago and that almost got her trembling.

Time seems to stop around them. She's totally mesmerized by him, who's glancing at her… fondly? But she can't understand. She is aware there's nothing between them two anymore, even if that idea kills her. So why is he looking at her in that way, holding her hand so gently?

That is the third time he touched her, since she was back from the dead.

The first time was on Horizon, he was relieved… Relieved to see her alive again breathing and quivering in his arms.

The second time, in the hospital where he was feeling guilty… Guilty because of all the times he has doubted her and mistreated her.

And now…? He is simply acting like a professional soldier should… Right?

_'Yes, Shepard. It's over. You know that.'_

Suddenly his index finger brushes the palm of her hand slowly and she almost gasps amazed. The expression on his face is so lovingly…

_'Shepard, you can't deceive yourself. He rejected you and he doesn't want you anymore. It's over. You've got to let him go.'_

She remembers so well how his hands so warm and comforting used to wander all over her bare skin. Caressing and teasing her together with his soft lips; now they'll probably going to touch another woman… maybe they've already had in those lost years…

Well, for her it has been like 9 months, but it doesn't change the situation.

She wants to cry, overwhelmed by her own emotions…

_'Shepard, it doesn't matter how much you love him. It's over. You know that.'_

A storm of applause comes from the audience and wakes her up: oh yes, they are at the Citadel Tower, it's his ceremony and she is here just to congratulate her new colleague Spectre. She was hoping that this moment would never end, she doesn't want to break the contact with him, but she knows it's not possible.

_'Come on Shepard, you can run away now. You MUST run away now.'_

Her legs are immobilized as her hand still grabbed by him. She doesn't want to let go. She wants to stay with him, forever.

_'But you can't, Shepard. You know that. It's over. You've got to let him go.'_

She bites the inside of her cheek and she gathers all her forces to free herself from his hold. When she succeeds, it seemed like someone was ripping her heart out from her ribs. It hurts so much, but she knows she had to do it.

_'Go away, Shepard. It's over. You've got to let him go.'_

She starts to move back giving him a last sad glimpse. Then she turns around and starts to leave the footbridge. She's certain this has been the last time she will ever touch him and she doesn't know if she would meet him anymore. Her throat burns like hell from all the tears she's holding back.

_'It's over, Shepard. Don't look back. You've got to let him go.'_

Her limbs are weak and heavy and each step she makes away from him is like a stab in her belly.

All her willpower is going to fall into pieces soon, she has to hurry.

_'It's over, you know that Shepard. You've got to let him go.'_

She has to put up with the idea that she has lost him, that she'll be alone for the rest of her life…

She's finally at the end of the footbridge and when she reaches the first stair she speeds up her walk, disappearing from his sight.

_'It's over. You've got to let him go.'_

She didn't notice that he had tried to stop her, his expression quite desperate, but he was interrupted by the Councilors calling him back. She doesn't know that all he wants is to be with her again too…

She just ran away, broken and hopeless…

_'Shepard, It's really over...'_


	3. Chapter 3

Citadel Embassies

Councilor Udina organized a buffet in his office after the proclamation of the new Human Spectre. Just that the Spectre is the one who wants to run away from it all.

The Major Kaidan Alenko has always hated official ceremonies. There's always too much confusion, too much noise… but this time he's feeling even more uncomfortable, because he is the 'protagonist' while having all those strangers wanting to greet him and telling him empty useless words while Udina stands pompous by his side. He doesn't want to stay here – he doesn't mind any of them.

Well, this isn't true. There's one person here that means everything to him, but she's also the only one who's staying away from him.

'Shepard…' he sighs looking at her from across the room. To have her by his side during this day so important for his career meant everything to him, but she acted strange all the time during his ceremony, like she didn't wanted to be there. She didn't look at him, she didn't say a word to him, even when she greet him officially, and when he held out his hand to her, she seemed so amazed and… awkward, why?

'What the hell happened?' he asked himself. He feels so sad, all he wanted was to see her smiling proud at him, instead of being so damn cold…

'God, is it really over between us?' only to think about it gives him chills down his spine. 'No… I love her so much… No… It can't be over… I can't stay without her… No…'

Suddenly, the politician who was saying countless of incomprehensible things to him catches his attention again, but luckily he starts to argue with the Councilor and Kaidan takes advantage of the situation to get dismissed and run away to a more quiet side of the office.

'Thank God, I couldn't stand it anymore!' he thinks while he's slipping two fingers stretching his collar a little. He takes a deep breath, relieved, and he focuses his attention on Shepard again.

She's there standing between two Asari who are speaking to her, but her sight is fixed to the floor and completely lost in her own thoughts. Somehow the two aliens notice that she wasn't listening so disappointed they walked away, leaving her alone.

'Yes, now it's my time!' he drinks the liquor in his glass in one gulp and then he starts to walk towards her. But he didn't make it half way when he noticed a very muscular man approaching Shepard. He gives her a glass of wine and she brushes his arm smiling.

Kaidan recognizes him immediately as that soldier, Lieutenant James Vega, her ex-bodyguard.

He remembers well the quarrel he had with Shepard the day Reapers' attack Earth: he didn't wanted to leave the planet, so the Commander yelled at him that he can come back once they get to the Citadel.

'So did he finally change his mind? Did he stay on the Normandy with her?' he's surprised while he sees the couple moving to the couch and they seat near each other.

The Major is stuck on his spot, blood freezing in his veins, and all of sudden all of his memories of the Lieutenant come to mind: when he prevented Kaidan to visit Shepard when she was under arrest, the way Vega asked him that day when they finally met again just before the attack, that question – _"Do you know the Commander?"_ – and how friendly and carefree he acted with her, who also is his commanding superior.

'No… This can't be... There isn't anything between them… right?' he starts to tremble. Without realizing it, he finds himself spying on them, hiding behind a corner close to where they're sitting.

"So, Lola, are you enjoying the party?" James asks to Shepard.

'Lola!? He nicknamed her? Oh shit!' Alenko gulps.

"Lieutenant, I don't think this is the right place to call your commanding officer like that…" she states upset.

"Oh come on, I know you love it when I call you that way, LOLA!" he grins at her.

She doesn't answer, instead she leans her head towards him, her lips a few inches from his ear, whispering something that Kaidan couldn't hear… _"In your dreams, Lieutenant!"_

'No, please… It can't be… Shepard… No…' his legs almost bend.

Vega bursts into laughter when she lean her back on the seat "Mmmmh, so are you playing the perfect good officer aren't you, COMMANDER?"

"Shut up, you fool!" she slaps his shoulder.

"Mh mh, you're a workaholic, Shepard! I think you need some distractions!"

"Yeah and I suppose you're ready to offer yourself as a volunteer to entertain me!" she stares at him with a challenging look and crossing her arms on her chest.

'What… Oh no… Nononono…' Alenko is petrified, caught by a terrible fear, and feeling like his heart is sinking – breaking. 'Shepard… You can't… Please… I love you… I need you… Don't do it…'

James sprawls on the couch, his arms spread out, and his expression defying her "Just ask!"

She chuckles, releasing her hands and taking a sip of wine from her glass. Seeing that she isn't going to react, his face turns to be serious.

"Really Shepard, we both know that we're going to face the most terrible enemy that the galaxy has ever encountered. But you can't go on like this, you need to relax!"

She puffs "I'm the fucking Commander Shepard I can't relax! I'll rest when I'm dead… hoping that no one brings me back to life, AGAIN!"

Kaidan's heart stops for a moment 'What the hell is she saying? Dying again? Goddamn NO! NONONONONONONO! I can't even… NO!'

"That's bullshit, Shepard!" Vega's voice catches his attention, "you're not going to die! All you need is to have some… bed exercises!"

She glimpses at him sighing "Well… Probably this couldn't be a bad a idea…"

"Oh yeah!" he claps excited.

"… BUT! Unluckily this idea is coming from you… So it's DEFINETELY a TERRIBLE idea!" she sniggers.

'Yes, yes, yes, it is!' the Major thinks, maddened.

"Yeah, yeah… Laugh if you want, Commander! You can't imagine what you're missing out!" James seems to be a little bothered.

"I think I could survive with that doubt, James!" she blinks at him.

'OH YES! THANK GOD! Oh my…' Alenko can barely manage not to fall on the floor relieved.

Shepard's face turns to be serious again "I will not date – or even bunk – with anyone of my crew… Especially with a Lieutenant!"

Her last words hit Kaidan right in the stomach 'What does she mean? That falling for me, her Lieutenant at that time, was a mistake? No… It's not possible… She can't…'

"Really James, stop with that" she continues "I'm not that kind of woman for a one night stand… not anymore…"

James' eyes wide-open surprised "Do you mean…"

"Yeah, when I was younger I used to… enjoy the company of hot sexy men, consumed by my own lust… But after… after…"

'After what, Shepard?' Alenko is holding his breath waiting for her to finish her sentence, but she stops.

Her eyebrows tense all of sudden, her face twisted by pain "Dammit! I've got to go away from here!" and she gets up rushing towards the door.

_"Shepard!" Kaidan is running after her. Right outside of the office, he grabs her arm._

_ She turns to look at him amazed "Kaidan? What…?" but he doesn't answer her, forcing her to follow him in a hidden and quiet corner of the hallway._

_ He slams her against the wall "Shepard, stop ignoring me!", he growls at her._

_ "What…?" she repeats. _

_"You are mine! I demand you not to think about other men!"_

_ "Kai…" he takes her face with his hands, not allowing her to speak._

_ "I know I've been an ass on Horizon and on Mars. But I love you, I always have! You'll never be able to find another man that loves you more than I do!" he finishes his statement and pulls her near him._

_He stares into her sky-blue eyes for a moment and then he reaches her lips and starts kissing her eagerly. His heartbeat insanely goes faster while having the love of his life wrapped into his arms again._

_He caresses her soft cheeks and he can feel her own hands gripping at his shirt. His body crushes against hers, his tongue pulling to enter into her mouth and soon she surrenders to his action. He savors her deeply, sliding his fingers down her back, completely lost in the sensation of tasting her again, as he wished to do so ever since Horizon._

_ "I've missed you like hell…" he murmurs after he remains breathless, moving his mouth to brush over her chin and her neck._

_ "Kaidan…" she pants delighted._

_ "Yes… Call my name again, my love…"_

_ "Alenko…"_

"Alenko… Major Alenko! Where is Major Alenko?" Udina's voice from somewhere else brings him back to reality.

Kaidan can't move. While having that knot feeling in his throat – fighting back all the tears that were desperately trying to go out from his eyes as he was picturing that scene in his mind, his back flattened against the wall and his head held by his hands.

Nothing happened, he just stayed there, his heart broken into pieces.

'Shepard, please… Come back to me…I need you… I love you so desperately… And I will always do…'


End file.
